And here's one of the out-takes... ;)

Just a few pics...

...that I took with my webcam...

On passing.

I sometimes wonder just how passable I could be if I went out dressed as Melissa. I'm happy with how passable I look in my pictures and videos, but it's easy to do those in the most favourable of circumstances. When I'm out, dressed in male clothes, I'm frequently mistaken for a girl (mostly, I think, because of my long hair) but people will always correct themselves on closer inspection. With female clothes and enough effort I think I could probably pass (after all there are a lot of androgynous girls out there ;) ) but I'm always worried about the things that would give me away:-

My size – I read another tv/ts's profile on here (and I would give them credit if my memory wasn't so poor) who described themselves as “a perfect 6/5th's scale model of a woman”, and that's how I feel sometimes. Also I'm top heavy by a full dress size. (You can tell I'm not a real woman because I wish my bum and thighs were bigger! ) ;)

My voice – I might be able to do a passable feminine voice but I've never had any feedback on this, so I really don't know. Also I don't know how long I could keep it up for.

My mannerisms – I really don't know if I have any overtly male mannerisms or a male gait. Also there's the danger on giving yourself away by overcompensating. This is probably the thing that I most worry about giving me away, but like I said – lots of androgynous women.

My Hirsutism ;) - I really wasn't planning on this post being quite so warts-and-all, but there you go. Sure I shave – but then I only have around five hours of looking my best. Not even enough for a night out; What do other TV's do?

Maybe I should just care less and go for a bit of androgyny myself, but I've never been a subscriber to the “not caring about what others think about you” philosophy. Scaring Grannies on the bus really isn't my thing. ;)

Celebrity crushes....

I kind of like having celebrity crushes. I think they're fairly harmless and give you a little bit of a lift when someone you're interested in appears on TV or whatever. Although I always try to keep them in perspective, with the full knowledge that celebrity's public persona's are carefully controlled. I'm not likely to develop a strange stalker-like obsession about anyone!

So, who are my celebrity crushes at the moment? Well there's a smattering of popstrels: Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Jessie J. A few actresses: Karen Gillen (Doctor Who), Eve Myles (Torchwood), Alex Kingston (ER and Doctor Who) and Natalie Portman.

But most of my celebrity crushes, and I think this is almost fetishistic, are for children's TV presenters. (The adult ones, of course!)I think it's something about their childlike enthusiasm. I'm pretty sure I know where this came from too. Ask anyone who was a boy in the UK in the 80's, and they'll talk with fond memories of Blue Peter presenter Janet Ellis. In a leotard. On a trampoline.

There are probably too many to list here, but most prominent at the moment is Helen Skelton. Another Blue Peter presenter and all round Amazon-canoeing tightrope-walking superwoman...

Last of all, and probably one of my most long standing crushes is probably Dr. Alice Roberts. She's smart, vegetarian and has red hair straight out of a bottle. Almost the perfect woman!

As for S, she like's Jason Lee from My Name Is Earl and Julian Barratt from The Mighty Boosh, which makes me a little woried that my lack of moustache might be problematic. She also likes Robert Smith from The Cure, so there might be hope yet...

Is it wrong to fancy a puppet?

You see, I remember my first crush. It was Princess Lamia from the 80's puppet TV series Star Fleet (X Bomber in the states). (Well, it was either her or Penelope Pitstop, repeatedly being tied to railway lines by the Hooded Claw. Yummy!) Star Fleet was, along with Battle of the Planets, the first Animé that we got to see here in the UK and it just blew me away. It's probably best remembered for Dai-X, the big red robot played Power-Rangers-style by a man in a suit, and the Brian May cover of the theme tune.

Anyway, this has left me with peculiar fondness for Hentai and puppet porn, of which there isn't nearly enough. (The sex scene in Team America didn't really do it for me. ;) )

I'm really tempted to go and make some. From several years of making LARP props and masks I have a bit of experience in using foam, fibreglass and liquid latex. I'm thinking porn Gelflings from The Dark Crystal, with a little added manga. So, what I'm really asking is: Is anyone else interested in this kind of thing, or is it just me?      

One of these things is not like the other things...

...One of these things doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the other things?
Before I finish my song...

This is a picture of the things that have collected on my bathroom floor at the moment. Really, don't ask! ;)

Sometimes I wonder...

...why I cross dress at all. It's certainly a compulsion for me, and at least partially fetishistic. If I thought I could give it up (and this would certainly make my life less complicated) I just might...

But I don't think I could. You see, when I was younger I had pretty much made up my mind that I wanted to be a woman. I was on the verge of visiting a doctor to ask some questions about it and was pretty much prepared for the whole hormones/surgery thing, but a few things changed in my life and I convinced myself that I didn't necessarily need this.

I think that one of the main reasons I dress is as an outlet for some of the things that I suppress in my everyday life. Usually when I go out as a man I'll be dressed to attract as little attention to myself as possible. (Usually hoodie and combats; something S calls the 'overgrown toddler' look.) It's no wonder drag queens call it dressing in 'drab'. Conversely, women get all the best clothes; The hosiery, the skirts, the dresses and all the cute little accessories. Would any girls reading this honestly only want to wear the tiny selection of clothes available to men all the time? Dressing as Melissa allows me to let out a more flamboyant side. Confusingly Melissa feels more like me than the mask I wear when I go out into my everyday life dressed as a man. Doesn't everyone wear a mask like this, though?

And besides, how often, in their normal everyday lives, does anyone really think of themselves as a gender anyway? Although I frequently think about changing gender nowadays, particularly when I'm down, (although I realise being a girl is not a panacea to life's problems, as I'm sure any females reading this will agree.) I'm mostly happy to live my life in a warm fuzzy gender cloud...      

Brittany reads a book...

I stumbled upon porn video called “Brittany reads a book”. It's just a girl on a bed, in various positions, reading a book. I found it incredible hot, and she's not even naked! Why isn't there more porn like this? Why?! I'm beginning to think I'm developing a serious girls-reading-books fetish.*Quickly searches google for “book porn”.* No, nothing of much interest there. Maybe I've found a hitherto undiscovered porn niche. Maybe I should make some girls-reading-books porn. Would anyone like to help? ;)

You see, I've always been a book geek (I mainly read Sci-fi and fantasy stuff) and always seem to fall for girls who are also book geeks. My house is getting to the point where it is more library than home. (Which is a complete pain when I move house; I seem to have amassed around two Transit van loads of books.)

If I come across a pic someone's profile that has a book or bookcase in the background I find myself squinting at the fuzzy pixels to try and work out what they're reading. Does anyone else do that? Just me? ...Oh well.      

Before anyone asks...

...my breasts aren't real. They're just a confection of silicone, medical tape and make-up. This really is one of the most common questions people ask me, and I'm quite surprised (although flattered that some people might think they're real) as it would be quite difficult to stay in the closet while hiding those monstrosities...

I'm quite pleased with how they look in my pictures – it's quite difficult to tell where I end and the silicone begins.

When I'm camming there will always be someone who asks me to take my bra off. Well, you know when a girl takes off her bra and two chicken fillets fall out and suddenly there's less breast there than there was before. Now imagine than effect but multiplied tenfold...      

Why am I here?

Okay, so this is my first blog post, and it's not a philosophical treatise on the nature of my own existence, but instead a post about why I'm writing a blog.

Who are you?

I'm Melissa, a marginally eccentric, veggie, 36 year old, mostly-in-the-closet cross dresser from the UK. I'm into Anime, SciFi/fantasy, environmental causes, reading and all manner of slightly geeky things. I have a love for burlesque and gothic imagery. I'm slightly bi-curious, but have never acted on it.

I'm polyamorous by nature, but currently in a monogamous relationship with S, who is an earthly incarnation of a goddess...or a force of nature...or something. ;) S knows about my cross dressing, but she isn't really into it, which can sometimes cause tensions. Although she's perfectly happy to go shopping for clothes with me...

So, Melissa, why are you here?

I have a massive exhibitionist tendencies and love to show off Melissa. (You'll often find me talking about my femme persona in third person, even if I'm initially writing from her perspective. Sorry if it confuses you. It confuses me sometimes.)

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I'm here looking for some kind of recognition and acceptance as Melissa. It's incredibly frustrating being in the closet. I don't think that most of my friends and family would bat an eyelid if I came out, but there's that whole scary centre-of-attention thing that I'm inordinately bad at. So I suppose I'm here to make some friends to whom this side of me is already an open book...